SCARED? YOU’RE NOT ALONE. TRY THIS.
“El Tres De Mayo 1808”, Francisco Goya
In the past weeks, we’ve seen a lot of anger, a lot of resentment, a lot sadness.
But what seems to be coming through for most people I have been speaking with, clients and non-clients alike, is fear.
I, for one, am living with a vast amount of fear right now. I fear for the safety and security of my friends and family here in Canada and in Israel; I fear the outcomes of the already rampant anti-semitism spreading throughout our cities and countries; I fear for outcomes that we have yet to see or know. (And don’t get me wrong - I have my own personal views on Israel’s war with Hamas - but that is not the purpose of this article.)
Simultaneously, I acknowledge that fear is not limited to those who share my particular worldview. I know people whose views are unrelated or fundamentally opposed to mine, and yet, they are also scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing; scared of doing the wrong thing; scared of losing friends or followers or respect.
Over the weekend, I shared the following quote on my Instagram:
“Fear thrives in the absence of mutual understanding and diversity, and it is a poisonous weapon. But there is an antidote: compassion. Compassion combats fear.”
(taken from Gyalwang Drukpa’s “How To Combat Fear”)
This is usually the point where people say: “Jordan, you’re nuts. How can I be compassionate about the ‘other team’? I have other things to concern myself with besides the thing or person I don’t agree with.”
Perhaps. But, imagine this: your neighbour has a very big, loud, scary dog. It smells bad. It barks at everything. It drools. This dog simply reeks of “mean”. One day, you see the dog barking at the fence - you can see it needs something, but it looks so vicious, you can’t really bring yourself to run right up to it. But, somehow, you slowly start approaching it; you get close enough to hold out your hand and at that moment, the dog brings its head down to be caressed.
Perhaps the dog wasn’t really that mean after all. It was just scared and didn’t really know what to besides lash out.
In many ways, that dog is us right now. That dog is afraid, and what it needs is compassion.
The word “compassion” derives from the Latin com and passion; “with” and “suffering”. So, to be compassionate is simply to be with suffering. The suffering of others, but also, and perhaps more importantly, the suffering of your self.
Of course, this is all easier said than done, but there are some practical things that we can do to be compassionate with ourselves in times of fear and distress.
Ask What Your Body Needs. Is it a run? A hard workout? Restorative yoga? Sitting in absolutely stillness? Tune in, get the answer and give it to yourself. Notice what happens to your thoughts, your feelings and your body as you do that. You might be surprised.
Limit or Eliminate Social Media. This relates to Number 6 below, but I hone in on this one because social media is specifically designed as an outrage machine. As Oliver Burkeman has rightly pointed out in his book Four Thousand Weeks, “[Social media] is designed to prioritize whatever’s most compelling - instead of whatever’s most true, or most useful - it systematically distorts the picture of the world we carry in our heads at all times. […] If all you ever see of your ideological opponents online is their very worst behavior, you’re liable to assume that even family members who differ from you […] must be irredeemably bad…” And when we assume everyone is bad, we get afraid - very afraid. This is a challenging one, but see if there are some ways to reduce or eliminate entirely your social media intake right now and notice how you feel and how your thoughts changes.
Go Outside. Spend some time in nature. Look at the sky. Look at some plants. Look at the grass. Nature can be soothing to us, and thus reduce feelings of stress or anxiety. But also, when we pay attention to how a tree branch is reaching to get more light, we increase our ability to focus - specifically, on the things that matter to us over the many fearful distractions that might be available to us right now.
Laugh. I think this one speaks for itself, but, find times in the day to laugh, make jokes, even force a smile onto your face. Much like you might get a stomach ache when you feel nervous, our body can reverse that signal and cause mood changes to occur by the shape our bodies take. Yes, there is science behind this. No, I’m not getting into it here.
Take Action. As a friend of mine mentioned the other day, there are ways to turn pain into purpose. Find meaningful activities to engage in; use your hands, write a letter, make art. Do anything that is basically the opposite of refreshing your screen to see what else has happened in the past 30 seconds and use the time you are presented with to make a difference to yourself or someone else. (This article, for instance, is an attempt to do that).
Know Your Boundaries. As much as this is a time that many of us want to be involved, do more, and know more about “what is happening”, preserving yourself and knowing your boundaries is important - pay attention to what will and will not serve you and others, and learn to discern when their opportunities to not engage in a way that will be of service.
Make Plans. When we make plans, we have things to look forward to. And when we have things to look forward to, we have hope. Hope is fundamental to getting through scary times. Drawing from an article by Father Raymond J. DeSouza in recent days, remember - there were only 6 or so years between the 1973 Yom Kippur War and the Egyptian/Israeli peace agreement of 1978. That gives reason to think that, even in the direst of circumstances, there can be light to be hoped for at the end of the tunnel. Surely, dinner with friends on Friday night can give you a small piece of that.
Reach Out to Others, Regardless of their Views or Yours. When we are compassionate with ourselves, things happen - we start to be compassionate with others. Just like the dog, we can approach the things and people that embody fear for us, and realize they too are afraid or suffering. We can be courageous and open up the path to understanding. And when we do that, who knows what can happen - but, I’d be willing to bet, you will likely feel less afraid.
