Lessons from the Chinese Farmer: Embracing Uncertainty in Difficult Conversations
Read time: 3 minutes
Welcome to My Musings, a (usually) weekly newsletter where I share what’s been impacting me lately, what I’ve been thinking about, and actionable ideas to help you navigate the career and life transitions that might be coming up for you.
Today: The Story of the Chinese Farmer: Why things that seem bad might be good, those that are good might be less than good, and how by accepting we can’t really be sure, we actually open up to more possibility.
The Parable of the Chinese Farmer: Accepting the Power of Uncertainty
Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away.
His neighbours came by to console him. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is terrible!”
The farmer said, “Maybe.”
The next day the horse came back, along with seven wild horses that had tagged along. Later that day, the neighbours came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. You now have eight horses!”
The farmer again said, “Maybe.”
The next day his son tried to tame one of the wild horses, and while riding it, he was thrown off and broke his leg. The neighbours came by to offer their care, then said, “Oh, that’s too bad. What terrible luck.”
The farmer responded, “Maybe.”
The next day army officers came around to conscript people into the army, and the farmer’s son was rejected because he had a broken leg. Again all the neighbours came around and said, “Isn’t that great!”
Again, he said, “Maybe.”
Embracing Uncertainty: Alan Watts on the Complexity of Good and Bad Fortune
There’s an important lesson in this.
As Alan Watts has said, “The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad — because you never know what will be the consequence of the misfortune; or, you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.”
You never really know whether something is going to be good or bad.
Last week, I led a workshop on Difficult Conversations - having them, navigating them, and knowing some of the skills to draw on when you find yourself in one.
And it got me thinking of the parable of the Chinese Farmer.
We often look at difficult conversations as things to avoid - or, when we do have them, as things that really can only end poorly.
And, that’s not the worst assumption, right?
They often get heated.
They often involved topics that we are passionate about.
They often lead to emotional responses on the parts of the participants.
So, why be optimistic? Might as well plan out for the worst - or just not have the conversation at all.
Why Uncertainty is Key to Navigating Life’s Ups and Downs
That’s where the Chinese Farmer has a lesson for us: don’t assume anything about how it will turn out.
That may not make it any easier to actually have the conversation, but when we can be more tentative about what we believe are the likely outcomes of challenging situations, we can start to approach them as opportunities, rather than simply as sources of strife.
This functions in work too.
Lose a job? That’s bad. Maybe.
Get a promotion? That’s good. Maybe.
Make a huge sale? That’s good. Maybe.
Lose out on a huge client? That’s bad. Maybe.
We never really know what door will open and what path will flow from there when something, good or bad, happens. Even when we are certain - we just don’t know.
How to be More Open to Uncertainty of Outcome
Here are a few strategies:
Avoid Thought Terminating Cliches: Phrases like “It is what it is,” or, “Agree to disagree.” Those prevent us from allowing thoughts that may lead to outcomes we may be unsure of or even uncomfortable with. Allow for more curiosity and see what happens.
Speak Less in Extremes. Ever say, “You always leave the toilet seat up?” Is that true? Probably not. Similarly, in these conversations, try to think in terms of the truth - that people really only sometimes (maybe often), say, do or believe certain things. Try to focus on what is actually happening, now, as opposed to your perception that it might always (or never) be the case.
Be Open to Changing your Opinion. Ultimately, when we enter these conversations, we can be so sure that we are right. That we have the upper hand. That we really are going to convince the other side of our “rightness.” But what if we don’t? And, what if our belief or opinion actually might be something that is changed by the conversation? By the events in question? Be open to that. Real growth can come from that.
Want to Dive Deeper?
I empower leaders to become mentors, mentees to be leaders, and organizations to foster a culture of mentorship. Through that work, folks uncover their deeper purpose, navigate challenging transitions, and answer the call to vocation.
If you’d like to explore what’s coming up for you, get in touch.
I hope this newsletter has been helpful. See you next week!
